I Will Survive...

"I will survive as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive...

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry.Now I hold my head up high and you see me, somebody new..." -- Gloria Gaynor

I've had a difficult two weeks. Facing a trial I never imagined I would face. I am glad it is over, and glad the outcome was positive. I've been reflecting a lot and wondering why, when I am faced with trials, it always seems to be things that confront my morals and values, my integrity. I also wonder why it takes me so long to progress. Progression is slow for me in every aspect of my life...from love, to career, to education. I realize I am naive -- but is that why I progress in what often feels to me like slow motion?

The only thing that I can surmise is that my life in general is precipitated by a fine line between between sanity and craziness. I have thus far always chosen sanity. However, I fight a constant and internal battle with this as I know of family medical conditions that could tip the scale and alter my life forever. The battle will be continual, it will be long, and it will be hard...how do I stay out of the darkness? Continue to make choices that always have a positive outcome?

Considering I've never had true guidance from a parental figure due to their mental state and I have to figure so many things out for myself I think I have done well in choosing things that are positive, but I still make mistakes -- the kind that are doozies and life altering...I guess I make the mistakes to understand that to be the person I want to be I am going to have to do so much more, and the work required is solely up to me to do, and to do it independently...I am thankful that I have friends who help me think critically, that challenge my perspective, that think I am amazing and precious enough to want to give me guidance. It gives me hope that my life path isn't for naught.

I often wonder what my purpose is in life. I always thought it was to become educated and give back to my community. I always thought that I would make a difference in this world in some phenomenal way, but I really don't have talents that stand out and that allow the desire to be long reaching. One of my friends said that sometimes we are here "not to save the world but one important person within it" So, in my pondering today I think mainly, I survive, because my Spouse loves me unconditionally...just for being me, warts and all. In some way I have affected his life in a way that makes him happy and fulfilled. I was feeling low and not worthy of being loved and I said to him: "I can understand why you loved me as a 20-year old...I was ambitious, had goals I really believed in, was idealistic, truly believed that if I worked really, really hard I would have and do all that I desired, but why do you love me now as I near 40?" He said: "the idealistic youth was fascinating; but to watch you grow and accept life in a more real consequence has been bliss."

I don't know that I truly understand his statement. And, the goals that I have are pretty much the same as they have always been...the reality with that is that I probably won't have the means or the energy to continue with many of them. In some ways this is depressing and I feel I have failed at my life's intent; on the other hand, I feel some relief that I can be happy with the life I have created even thought it is not the life I envisioned.I am a survivor...in many ways making lemonade out of the lemons that have been thrown at me.

Let her cry...

"Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain;Let her sing, if it eases all her pain; Let her go, let her walk right out on me ...And if the sun comes up tomorrow -- Let her be, let her be."

Some words in this song typify the beauty of my romance. My Partner has the maturity and wisdom to let me be when I need moments to find clarity, to encompass things that hit me on a emotional level that makes me wistful...I think the ability to experience every facet of my life on every sensual level possible is amazing. I guess that is why I find it easier to let him in to my life and KNOW every facet of me as a being. Usually, even admist the trials and frustrations of my life I can always find the sun on the horizon....

From A Distance...

"From a distance the world looks blue and green,and the snow-capped mountains white.From a distance the ocean meets the stream,and the eagle takes to flight.From a distance, there is harmony,and it echoes through the land.It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,it's the voice of every man.From a distance we all have enough,and no one is in need.And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease,no hungry mouths to feed.From a distance we are instruments marching in a common band.Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.They're the songs of every man." --Bette Midler.

In addition to these lyrics, this quote struck me as profound today: "The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." -- Albert Einstein.

Both the song and the quote made me think about how the issues in my life could be looked at very differently, and thus, promote different outcomes. I am struggling to have the motivation I need to continue with my educational endeavors. Even though education is one of my greatest values, I am tired and I a little bored. However, I have made financial and personal sacrifices that place me too far into the commitment to even consider quitting. The resistance I face is mostly due to the fact that I do not have the time I need to enjoy the learning process, thus the boredom (due to the fact that I can't give 110% to the educational endeavor). Additoinally, I am so exhausted that I procrastinate until everything is a crunch. I usually have to start with loosing my A at the first mid-term increment and then playing catch up all semester to retain my grade point average. The resistance I am facing regarding the scientific education I desire is interesting. I know on so many levels that what I am doing is the best mechanism for me to have a fulfilling career (one that I like, that gives both opportunity, financial stability, and a continued learning environment), but on so many levels what I am doing (continual work and school) is NOT working. For school NOT to come easy for me is difficult. I am finding myself in a vast new territory. I know I am committed on certain levels; and I am persistent and determined, but the reality is that the road ahead is going to be very rough and rocky. Am I prepared for it? I am trying to allow myself to be open to all possibilities, but I am frightened and feeling very vulnerable. I am feeling dumb, untalented, and am so fearful that I am a loser and will never be any measure of success in my life. I need to find the strength to overcome this current obstacle, but I am having a hard time connecting to my inner strengths and living up to all that I am capable of. I know what I am facing is only something I can resolve on my own, but I really feel that a mentor to give me guidance would be amazing. I am feeling a little lost and alone, and burdened. If I fail it means a continued life of struggle....

Only You...

"Lookin' from the window above, it's like a story of love..Can you hear me? Came back only yesterday I'm moving further away, want you near me... All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you.

Sometimes when I think of her name when it's only a game and I need you...Listen to the words that you say it's getting harder to stay, when I see you...All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you.

This is going to take a long time and I wonder what's mine...can't take no more. Wonder if you'll understand it's just the touch of your hand behind a closed door..... All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you."

Unrequited love...it seems to be a constant in my life in one way or another. Recently, I feel I found someone who would have been my soul-mate in another place, another time. The reason I can't pursue this person is because we are both married to other people. People we love and care about and have bonds with....

I believe that one finds a soul-mate only once in a life time. I never thought I would find a soul- mate..SO, I married not my soul-mate but someone who is my best friend and who is a kindred spirit. This is not a BAD thing, but provides some complexity...especially now that I know there is the probability of a "soul-mate" for me. I will never be on that journey and know that bliss, which saddens me in many ways.

However, in my current relationship, there is much love there, but also much disappointment. My Spouse can't be everything I need him to be for me. I think that stems from the fact that we really aren't soul mates.

I am not saying my relationship is not good, it is...it just isn't the passionate, all consuming romance I had hoped I would find. I pray and hope what we have will be enough to last for a lifetime...thus far, it has been enough for 17 years and I hope it will continue, even though I think my heart, mind, and soul belong in another place...to another person.

I guess the connundrum for me is that for soul-mates to connect with the most depth, both have to be ready and available or the connection to happen, which will never be...not even in the form of a friendship. I wouldn't be comfortable devastating the life of someone who loves me and cares for me as deeply and with as strong of conviction as my Spouse can. So, I will hide from the knowledge that my soul-mate exists, run away from that friendship...hide from it, even. I'll go on and try to be as happy and content as possible, but I am feeling loss and a bit of sadness....

Love Shines

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." - Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

"Love is the beauty of the soul." --St. Augustine

Losing My Religion...

I always thought if I worked really hard that I could have and do everything I desired. In my naievety I TRULY believed that I could hit every goal I set for myself and have a life of continuous fun and adventure. I thought that I would be financially stable, for if I was doing what I loved I felt the money would come... Unfortunately, my life has been one of struggle, trial, and strife. I DO have moments of fun, but mostly trial and struggle. My life is although a good, quiet little life, is not what I envisioned.

Up until recently it didn't concern me that I hadn't done many things I desire, because I thought if I kept working towards my goals that everything would come together, however, I had an epiphany that that is NOT going to happen -- mostly because I don't have the financial means to make it so.

This epiphany has been really hard. It means I am going to have to prioritize things and not get to have the education I desire, the ability to travel to the places I dream of, the clothes, furniture, activity that I always thought would materialize after working HARD for them.

So now, I am looking for special things inside of me... things that will help me keep wanting to live this mediocre existence that I am encompassed in. Instead of looking forward to my days ahead, I dread them...

Right now I am feeling that everything I do and have done is pointless. I am sinking and feel I can't keep my head above water..."I don't know if I can do it..."

The Stuff that Dreams are Made of....

I was challenged by my good friend Aimee to post the 100 things I must do before I die. Some are outlandish and I probably won't do because of time and/or financial constraints...but WHAT IF? Here are my first 25:

1. Learn how to belly dance.
2. Learn how to fence.
3. Take at least 8 flying lessons.
4. Hang glide.
5. Para-sail.
6. Learn how to rock climb.
7. Get a tatoo on my right pelvic bone of an oriental fan and rose.
8. Buy an Arabian horse.
9. Go ice fishing.
10. Go camping in the winter.
11. Become more than an amateur astronomer.
12. Learn to sail.
13. Buy a sail boat.
14. Open a tea shop.
15. Get my BSN.
16. Get my Juris Doctor.
17. Get my Perfusionist certification.
18. Get my Master's of Information and Library Science.
18. Get my Medical-Legal Consultants License.
19. Become a certified sky-diver.
20. Read all the books in my personal library again and then donate them.
21. Go on my secret dream vacation (I'm not telling or I will jinx it).
22. Go on a cruise.
23. Swim with dolphins.
24. Go whale watching.
25. Go on an outing with real ghost hunter

When the DOG BITES, When the BEE STINGS...

SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: www.michebag.com (great interchangeable purse), www.pinupgirlclothing.com (great vintage pieces and shoes), I love the Bitten line by SJP. Hair care: Nioxin shampoo and conditioner; Love Brillantine as a product for defination and separation. It is a great pomade.I also like Vavoom as a shine sheen. General beauty product: I love Mentholatum for lips, under the nose for traveling, and to help chest congetsion when one has a cold.Lotion: I really like St. Ive's Collagen-Elastin lotion. Great for dry skin when mixed with Aloe Vera. Lip care: I love COBigelow's Mentha Lip Tint...freshens breath and gives a great shine. I also love Sally Hansen's Cinnaberry lipstick. Can't live without Natural Ice's chapstick in mint or cherry flavors. Tea's: Ginger and Licorice tea's from Traditional Medicines. I also like Bigelow's Plantation Mint; and, Banglange Keli tea. Supplements: I like Chia seed (has more fiber and double the Omega-3's as does flax seed). I use echinachea to ward off a cold. Nails: I like O.P.I.'s Black pearl and I like Sally Hansen's clear nail polish. Facial care: I love Elysee's A-fluid. It is the one product I can't live without. I also love their Queen of Beauty moisturizer. Treats: I enjoy baked hot chocolate (see my comments for recipe), and love Doritio's and salsa. Another fav is Spinach dip (the recipe from the Knorr's onion soup) and crackers. I also love the Cajun dip from www.delectableadicitons.com. Exercise: My favorite is yoga, walking, and hip-hop abs.

Music and Lyrics

I am giddy with gladness in my heart for my life. I have been in such a dark place and somehow, I have pulled myself back. I hope the light and joy I feel lasts. I think Iam a person who needs constant change and adventure...I got a bit of this, perhaps more than I can handle with the new position I acquired (working as a Tech in the ICU and on Med-Surg. in my community). I love to learn, and am excited about the knowlege I will obtain, but I know it will be an uphill road to get the proficiency and professionalism I need.

I am thinking of planning a small ceremony to re-state my wedding vows, because despite all the struggles I have had about and regarding my husband over the last two years, I still love him. He is my best friend and makes me laugh. This Summer will be our 15 year anniversary....I just want something very intimate with me and Ron and maybe a few close friends and family. It all depends on how my life goes the next 2 months.

When I reflect on my emotions, I surmise that I have bi-polar disorder. I have periods of lows so dark that all I want to do is die and then highs that make me giddy. I am trying to get this under control by implementing the right diet, exercise, and sleep regimen because I don't want to take pills for the problem for the rest of my life. I notice that the depression, self-loathing, and low confidence are more abundant when I am sleeping in the day and working graveyard shifts. I feel that part of the happiness is because I've been in training and up and awake during the day (even though I thought it would kill me because my natural tendency is to be a night owl, this may be why I am so happy....). Having serious things to consider, but the music and lyrics in my heart, on my mind, and touching my soul are youthful, exuberant, uplifting beats...

My Favorite Poem....

	The Hollow Men Eliot, Thomas Stearns (1888-1965) MISTAH KURTZ -- HE DEAD. A penny for the Old Guy I We are the hollow men We are the stuffed men Leaning together Headpiece filled with straw. Alas! Our dried voices, when We whisper together Are quiet and meaningless As wind in dry grass Or rats' feet over broken glass In our dry cellar Shape without form, shade without colour, Paralysed force, gesture without motion; Those who have crossed With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom Remember us--if at all--not as lost Violent souls, but only As the hollow men The stuffed men. II Eyes I dare not meet in dreams In death's dream kingdom These do not appear: There, the eyes are Sunlight on a broken column There, is a tree swinging And voices are In the wind's singing More distant and more solemn Than a fading star. Let me be no nearer In death's dream kingdom Let me also wear Such deliberate disguises Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves In a field Behaving as the wind behaves No nearer-- Not that final meeting In the twilight kingdom III This is the dead land This is cactus land Here the stone images Are raised, here they receive The supplication of a dead man's hand Under the twinkle of a fading star. Is it like this In death's other kingdom Waking alone At the hour when we are Trembling with tenderness Lips that would kiss Form prayers to broken stone. IV The eyes are not here There are no eyes here In this valley of dying stars In this hollow valley This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms In this last of meeting places We grope together and avoid speech Gathered on this beach of the tumid river Sightless, unless The eyes reappear As the perpetual star Multifoliate rose Of death's twilight kingdom The hope only Of empty men. V Here we go round the prickly pear Prickly pear prickly pear Here we go round the prickly pear At five o'clock in the morning. Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the shadow For Thine is the Kingdom Between the conception And the creation Between the emotion And the response Falls the Shadow Life is very long Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency and the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom For thine is Life is For Thine is the This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.