From A Distance...

"From a distance the world looks blue and green,and the snow-capped mountains white.From a distance the ocean meets the stream,and the eagle takes to flight.From a distance, there is harmony,and it echoes through the land.It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,it's the voice of every man.From a distance we all have enough,and no one is in need.And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease,no hungry mouths to feed.From a distance we are instruments marching in a common band.Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.They're the songs of every man." --Bette Midler.

In addition to these lyrics, this quote struck me as profound today: "The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." -- Albert Einstein.

Both the song and the quote made me think about how the issues in my life could be looked at very differently, and thus, promote different outcomes. I am struggling to have the motivation I need to continue with my educational endeavors. Even though education is one of my greatest values, I am tired and I a little bored. However, I have made financial and personal sacrifices that place me too far into the commitment to even consider quitting. The resistance I face is mostly due to the fact that I do not have the time I need to enjoy the learning process, thus the boredom (due to the fact that I can't give 110% to the educational endeavor). Additoinally, I am so exhausted that I procrastinate until everything is a crunch. I usually have to start with loosing my A at the first mid-term increment and then playing catch up all semester to retain my grade point average. The resistance I am facing regarding the scientific education I desire is interesting. I know on so many levels that what I am doing is the best mechanism for me to have a fulfilling career (one that I like, that gives both opportunity, financial stability, and a continued learning environment), but on so many levels what I am doing (continual work and school) is NOT working. For school NOT to come easy for me is difficult. I am finding myself in a vast new territory. I know I am committed on certain levels; and I am persistent and determined, but the reality is that the road ahead is going to be very rough and rocky. Am I prepared for it? I am trying to allow myself to be open to all possibilities, but I am frightened and feeling very vulnerable. I am feeling dumb, untalented, and am so fearful that I am a loser and will never be any measure of success in my life. I need to find the strength to overcome this current obstacle, but I am having a hard time connecting to my inner strengths and living up to all that I am capable of. I know what I am facing is only something I can resolve on my own, but I really feel that a mentor to give me guidance would be amazing. I am feeling a little lost and alone, and burdened. If I fail it means a continued life of struggle....