I feel despicable for staying in a marriage to a man I DO NOT LOVE!!! As a couple for 20 years we've had our ebbs and flows and have always managed to find our way back...this year has been different. I got a stent a year ago in my right coronary artery. The stent was placed 11 months after having my Darling Son. Since the stent I have had to live with hatefulness on a daily basis. I am so dissatisfied with life in general staying with this man who is NOT a support and just constantly weighs me down that I am for the first time ever taking anti-depressants.
I can't stand my Spouse, and sometimes wish he were out of the picture so I could be in the midst of a loving family and support system -- all of whom are in Montana.
I am sick of the put downs, the condescending attitude, and the laziness....I am sick of living with a man who has NOTHING to offer me. I am working on a plan to get out without destroying my Son's future (meaning I am saving money to enable me to rent a nice home and trying to pay some bills down so I don't leave the Spouse in a bind that would be detrimental to my Son). The plan is a long term plan and will take several years to implement. I hope I can survive....
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Rainbow Connection...
"Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
La laa la la laa dee daa doo..."
This song is so symbolic to my life. I have a vision of how I should be -- from educational endeavors to career to community contributions. My vision includes a family, travel, a home, and many things. However, I have taken many curved roads in order to meet my vision and accomplish many of my goals and progression has been slow. The last two years I have not had heart or hope, and thus, my motivation has slackened.
Sometimes all it takes is a rainbow, wishing on a star to realize that even when the journey doesn't seem perfect, it is the perfect journey individually.
For me, this message has always been apparent, but often I deny it. However, I have hope again because after 10 years of trying to have a baby I am 9 weeks and 4 days. This baby feels strong and gives me hope that my life, as I've planned and envisioned it, will eventually come together.
I know that many of the trials I've had and mistakes I've made have been processes that have taught me important things I've needed -- like humility, trust, self sufficiency, and happiness. So, I am enjoying every moment right now and know that even with my limitations things will come together.
My husband has been trying so hard to do things that perpetuate my vision and his vision, and I am really proud of the effort he has put forth in our relationship, our lives together, and planning for our future. We both have many things that are strengths and weaknesses and we both continually evolve; and, I think that is a blessing -- willingness to have new ideals and perspectives in life keeps one spirited -- and spirit "keeps us stargazing."
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...
... Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
... Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
La laa la la laa dee daa doo..."
This song is so symbolic to my life. I have a vision of how I should be -- from educational endeavors to career to community contributions. My vision includes a family, travel, a home, and many things. However, I have taken many curved roads in order to meet my vision and accomplish many of my goals and progression has been slow. The last two years I have not had heart or hope, and thus, my motivation has slackened.
Sometimes all it takes is a rainbow, wishing on a star to realize that even when the journey doesn't seem perfect, it is the perfect journey individually.
For me, this message has always been apparent, but often I deny it. However, I have hope again because after 10 years of trying to have a baby I am 9 weeks and 4 days. This baby feels strong and gives me hope that my life, as I've planned and envisioned it, will eventually come together.
I know that many of the trials I've had and mistakes I've made have been processes that have taught me important things I've needed -- like humility, trust, self sufficiency, and happiness. So, I am enjoying every moment right now and know that even with my limitations things will come together.
My husband has been trying so hard to do things that perpetuate my vision and his vision, and I am really proud of the effort he has put forth in our relationship, our lives together, and planning for our future. We both have many things that are strengths and weaknesses and we both continually evolve; and, I think that is a blessing -- willingness to have new ideals and perspectives in life keeps one spirited -- and spirit "keeps us stargazing."
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I Need A Hero...
"Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the Gods? Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need...I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life....Larger than life.
Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasy...somewhere just beyond my reach there's someone reaching back for me. Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat, it's gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet....I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life...I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night...
Up where the mountains meet the heavens above, out where the lightning meets the sea I could swear that there's someone somewhere watching me. Through the wind and the chill and the rain, and the storm and the flood I can feel his approach like a fire in my blood. I need a hero, I'm holding out for hero'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life..." I NEED A HERO by Bonnie Tyler.
My Spouse and I are going through an ebb in our relationship again. I feel often that he fails to fight for me. He fails to evolve or grow or change so that we stay more in balance and in tune with one another. I hate these times...they are times when his actions or reactions are ways to punish me for his previous marriage. I don't understand why he doesn't let a lot of the baggage go...I am NOT his ex. I've proven myself over and over again and stood by him when he felt no others would...yet, I get treated like an after thought. I feel he should be secure in the story of us because we've been together for 18 years -- twice as long as he was with his former partner.
I know my Significant Other has coping issues and that his inability to do things that would contribute to a better future for us also stems from childhood baggage, but there comes a point in life where you accept your past, move on from it, and become your own person.
I am struggling. I have changed so much over the years to please and appease him that often I have lost sight of who I am. When I feel that he is unwilling to evolve, it makes me harden my heart to an extent...why am I the one responsible for both of us to have a good life and a happy future?
Additionally, I don't like that I get blamed for many of the perceived wrongs of his life over the last 18 years by his family or his children...people who really haven't made an effort to get to know me but who often and willingly judge me. People who don't even really know him. Typically, I've let this judgment pass because I feel I would rather be considered the scourge of the earth -- knowing that sometimes the people who love you have to put you in light and upon pedestals even if it is not the entire reflection of the person or the character.
Right now I am furious over the fact that I am being manipulated...manipulated by something my loved one knows I fear the most. He refuses to concede that he forgets conversations because that would be admitting that he is drinking more than he should despite my warning that 2 beers a day is heart healthy...8 or more is addiciton. Rather than admit that he may not remember some of our discussions due to tiredness or a combination of the tiredness, soreness from the physical labor of his work, or the beer...he accuses me of losing my memory. It is a manipulative act, and I know it. I tend to write quite a bit down -- particularly dates of events. I do this because I have a family history of dementia and Alzheimer's and the last 3 years of school has posed it much harder for me to commit things to memory...so I work at keeping current. I despise that I am told I was wrong when I've written things down to verify what he has asked me to do.
I am really trying to be a better person and not let my perceived flaws of my partner bring me down or destroy the relationship, but it is getting harder for me to change and be mellow over certain traits that I am letting go that I truly need. I need a partner who is a grown up -- one who evolves and sets goals to contribute to a future that is progressive rather than stagnant. I need a partner who does not blame me for mistakes another woman made. I need a partner who is heroic enough to fight for me...for us...I need someone who doesn't turn my greatest fear into a way to suppress me. I need to be stronger.
In that finality...of being stronger..I realize that my Spouse will never be my hero, so I need to be. I am up to the task, but it is heartbreaking to realize that all I can depend upon in this world is solely me...especially when I have given my heart, mind, soul...to another.
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life....Larger than life.
Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasy...somewhere just beyond my reach there's someone reaching back for me. Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat, it's gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet....I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life...I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night...
Up where the mountains meet the heavens above, out where the lightning meets the sea I could swear that there's someone somewhere watching me. Through the wind and the chill and the rain, and the storm and the flood I can feel his approach like a fire in my blood. I need a hero, I'm holding out for hero'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life..." I NEED A HERO by Bonnie Tyler.
My Spouse and I are going through an ebb in our relationship again. I feel often that he fails to fight for me. He fails to evolve or grow or change so that we stay more in balance and in tune with one another. I hate these times...they are times when his actions or reactions are ways to punish me for his previous marriage. I don't understand why he doesn't let a lot of the baggage go...I am NOT his ex. I've proven myself over and over again and stood by him when he felt no others would...yet, I get treated like an after thought. I feel he should be secure in the story of us because we've been together for 18 years -- twice as long as he was with his former partner.
I know my Significant Other has coping issues and that his inability to do things that would contribute to a better future for us also stems from childhood baggage, but there comes a point in life where you accept your past, move on from it, and become your own person.
I am struggling. I have changed so much over the years to please and appease him that often I have lost sight of who I am. When I feel that he is unwilling to evolve, it makes me harden my heart to an extent...why am I the one responsible for both of us to have a good life and a happy future?
Additionally, I don't like that I get blamed for many of the perceived wrongs of his life over the last 18 years by his family or his children...people who really haven't made an effort to get to know me but who often and willingly judge me. People who don't even really know him. Typically, I've let this judgment pass because I feel I would rather be considered the scourge of the earth -- knowing that sometimes the people who love you have to put you in light and upon pedestals even if it is not the entire reflection of the person or the character.
Right now I am furious over the fact that I am being manipulated...manipulated by something my loved one knows I fear the most. He refuses to concede that he forgets conversations because that would be admitting that he is drinking more than he should despite my warning that 2 beers a day is heart healthy...8 or more is addiciton. Rather than admit that he may not remember some of our discussions due to tiredness or a combination of the tiredness, soreness from the physical labor of his work, or the beer...he accuses me of losing my memory. It is a manipulative act, and I know it. I tend to write quite a bit down -- particularly dates of events. I do this because I have a family history of dementia and Alzheimer's and the last 3 years of school has posed it much harder for me to commit things to memory...so I work at keeping current. I despise that I am told I was wrong when I've written things down to verify what he has asked me to do.
I am really trying to be a better person and not let my perceived flaws of my partner bring me down or destroy the relationship, but it is getting harder for me to change and be mellow over certain traits that I am letting go that I truly need. I need a partner who is a grown up -- one who evolves and sets goals to contribute to a future that is progressive rather than stagnant. I need a partner who does not blame me for mistakes another woman made. I need a partner who is heroic enough to fight for me...for us...I need someone who doesn't turn my greatest fear into a way to suppress me. I need to be stronger.
In that finality...of being stronger..I realize that my Spouse will never be my hero, so I need to be. I am up to the task, but it is heartbreaking to realize that all I can depend upon in this world is solely me...especially when I have given my heart, mind, soul...to another.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I Will Survive...
"I will survive as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive...
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry.Now I hold my head up high and you see me, somebody new..." -- Gloria Gaynor
I've had a difficult two weeks. Facing a trial I never imagined I would face. I am glad it is over, and glad the outcome was positive. I've been reflecting a lot and wondering why, when I am faced with trials, it always seems to be things that confront my morals and values, my integrity. I also wonder why it takes me so long to progress. Progression is slow for me in every aspect of my life...from love, to career, to education. I realize I am naive -- but is that why I progress in what often feels to me like slow motion?
The only thing that I can surmise is that my life in general is precipitated by a fine line between between sanity and craziness. I have thus far always chosen sanity. However, I fight a constant and internal battle with this as I know of family medical conditions that could tip the scale and alter my life forever. The battle will be continual, it will be long, and it will be hard...how do I stay out of the darkness? Continue to make choices that always have a positive outcome?
Considering I've never had true guidance from a parental figure due to their mental state and I have to figure so many things out for myself I think I have done well in choosing things that are positive, but I still make mistakes -- the kind that are doozies and life altering...I guess I make the mistakes to understand that to be the person I want to be I am going to have to do so much more, and the work required is solely up to me to do, and to do it independently...I am thankful that I have friends who help me think critically, that challenge my perspective, that think I am amazing and precious enough to want to give me guidance. It gives me hope that my life path isn't for naught.
I often wonder what my purpose is in life. I always thought it was to become educated and give back to my community. I always thought that I would make a difference in this world in some phenomenal way, but I really don't have talents that stand out and that allow the desire to be long reaching. One of my friends said that sometimes we are here "not to save the world but one important person within it" So, in my pondering today I think mainly, I survive, because my Spouse loves me unconditionally...just for being me, warts and all. In some way I have affected his life in a way that makes him happy and fulfilled. I was feeling low and not worthy of being loved and I said to him: "I can understand why you loved me as a 20-year old...I was ambitious, had goals I really believed in, was idealistic, truly believed that if I worked really, really hard I would have and do all that I desired, but why do you love me now as I near 40?" He said: "the idealistic youth was fascinating; but to watch you grow and accept life in a more real consequence has been bliss."
I don't know that I truly understand his statement. And, the goals that I have are pretty much the same as they have always been...the reality with that is that I probably won't have the means or the energy to continue with many of them. In some ways this is depressing and I feel I have failed at my life's intent; on the other hand, I feel some relief that I can be happy with the life I have created even thought it is not the life I envisioned.I am a survivor...in many ways making lemonade out of the lemons that have been thrown at me.
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry.Now I hold my head up high and you see me, somebody new..." -- Gloria Gaynor
I've had a difficult two weeks. Facing a trial I never imagined I would face. I am glad it is over, and glad the outcome was positive. I've been reflecting a lot and wondering why, when I am faced with trials, it always seems to be things that confront my morals and values, my integrity. I also wonder why it takes me so long to progress. Progression is slow for me in every aspect of my life...from love, to career, to education. I realize I am naive -- but is that why I progress in what often feels to me like slow motion?
The only thing that I can surmise is that my life in general is precipitated by a fine line between between sanity and craziness. I have thus far always chosen sanity. However, I fight a constant and internal battle with this as I know of family medical conditions that could tip the scale and alter my life forever. The battle will be continual, it will be long, and it will be hard...how do I stay out of the darkness? Continue to make choices that always have a positive outcome?
Considering I've never had true guidance from a parental figure due to their mental state and I have to figure so many things out for myself I think I have done well in choosing things that are positive, but I still make mistakes -- the kind that are doozies and life altering...I guess I make the mistakes to understand that to be the person I want to be I am going to have to do so much more, and the work required is solely up to me to do, and to do it independently...I am thankful that I have friends who help me think critically, that challenge my perspective, that think I am amazing and precious enough to want to give me guidance. It gives me hope that my life path isn't for naught.
I often wonder what my purpose is in life. I always thought it was to become educated and give back to my community. I always thought that I would make a difference in this world in some phenomenal way, but I really don't have talents that stand out and that allow the desire to be long reaching. One of my friends said that sometimes we are here "not to save the world but one important person within it" So, in my pondering today I think mainly, I survive, because my Spouse loves me unconditionally...just for being me, warts and all. In some way I have affected his life in a way that makes him happy and fulfilled. I was feeling low and not worthy of being loved and I said to him: "I can understand why you loved me as a 20-year old...I was ambitious, had goals I really believed in, was idealistic, truly believed that if I worked really, really hard I would have and do all that I desired, but why do you love me now as I near 40?" He said: "the idealistic youth was fascinating; but to watch you grow and accept life in a more real consequence has been bliss."
I don't know that I truly understand his statement. And, the goals that I have are pretty much the same as they have always been...the reality with that is that I probably won't have the means or the energy to continue with many of them. In some ways this is depressing and I feel I have failed at my life's intent; on the other hand, I feel some relief that I can be happy with the life I have created even thought it is not the life I envisioned.I am a survivor...in many ways making lemonade out of the lemons that have been thrown at me.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Let her cry...
"Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain;Let her sing, if it eases all her pain; Let her go, let her walk right out on me ...And if the sun comes up tomorrow -- Let her be, let her be."
Some words in this song typify the beauty of my romance. My Partner has the maturity and wisdom to let me be when I need moments to find clarity, to encompass things that hit me on a emotional level that makes me wistful...I think the ability to experience every facet of my life on every sensual level possible is amazing. I guess that is why I find it easier to let him in to my life and KNOW every facet of me as a being. Usually, even admist the trials and frustrations of my life I can always find the sun on the horizon....
Some words in this song typify the beauty of my romance. My Partner has the maturity and wisdom to let me be when I need moments to find clarity, to encompass things that hit me on a emotional level that makes me wistful...I think the ability to experience every facet of my life on every sensual level possible is amazing. I guess that is why I find it easier to let him in to my life and KNOW every facet of me as a being. Usually, even admist the trials and frustrations of my life I can always find the sun on the horizon....
Monday, September 22, 2008
From A Distance...
"From a distance the world looks blue and green,and the snow-capped mountains white.From a distance the ocean meets the stream,and the eagle takes to flight.From a distance, there is harmony,and it echoes through the land.It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,it's the voice of every man.From a distance we all have enough,and no one is in need.And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease,no hungry mouths to feed.From a distance we are instruments marching in a common band.Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.They're the songs of every man." --Bette Midler.
In addition to these lyrics, this quote struck me as profound today: "The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." -- Albert Einstein.
Both the song and the quote made me think about how the issues in my life could be looked at very differently, and thus, promote different outcomes. I am struggling to have the motivation I need to continue with my educational endeavors. Even though education is one of my greatest values, I am tired and I a little bored. However, I have made financial and personal sacrifices that place me too far into the commitment to even consider quitting. The resistance I face is mostly due to the fact that I do not have the time I need to enjoy the learning process, thus the boredom (due to the fact that I can't give 110% to the educational endeavor). Additoinally, I am so exhausted that I procrastinate until everything is a crunch. I usually have to start with loosing my A at the first mid-term increment and then playing catch up all semester to retain my grade point average. The resistance I am facing regarding the scientific education I desire is interesting. I know on so many levels that what I am doing is the best mechanism for me to have a fulfilling career (one that I like, that gives both opportunity, financial stability, and a continued learning environment), but on so many levels what I am doing (continual work and school) is NOT working. For school NOT to come easy for me is difficult. I am finding myself in a vast new territory. I know I am committed on certain levels; and I am persistent and determined, but the reality is that the road ahead is going to be very rough and rocky. Am I prepared for it? I am trying to allow myself to be open to all possibilities, but I am frightened and feeling very vulnerable. I am feeling dumb, untalented, and am so fearful that I am a loser and will never be any measure of success in my life. I need to find the strength to overcome this current obstacle, but I am having a hard time connecting to my inner strengths and living up to all that I am capable of. I know what I am facing is only something I can resolve on my own, but I really feel that a mentor to give me guidance would be amazing. I am feeling a little lost and alone, and burdened. If I fail it means a continued life of struggle....
In addition to these lyrics, this quote struck me as profound today: "The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." -- Albert Einstein.
Both the song and the quote made me think about how the issues in my life could be looked at very differently, and thus, promote different outcomes. I am struggling to have the motivation I need to continue with my educational endeavors. Even though education is one of my greatest values, I am tired and I a little bored. However, I have made financial and personal sacrifices that place me too far into the commitment to even consider quitting. The resistance I face is mostly due to the fact that I do not have the time I need to enjoy the learning process, thus the boredom (due to the fact that I can't give 110% to the educational endeavor). Additoinally, I am so exhausted that I procrastinate until everything is a crunch. I usually have to start with loosing my A at the first mid-term increment and then playing catch up all semester to retain my grade point average. The resistance I am facing regarding the scientific education I desire is interesting. I know on so many levels that what I am doing is the best mechanism for me to have a fulfilling career (one that I like, that gives both opportunity, financial stability, and a continued learning environment), but on so many levels what I am doing (continual work and school) is NOT working. For school NOT to come easy for me is difficult. I am finding myself in a vast new territory. I know I am committed on certain levels; and I am persistent and determined, but the reality is that the road ahead is going to be very rough and rocky. Am I prepared for it? I am trying to allow myself to be open to all possibilities, but I am frightened and feeling very vulnerable. I am feeling dumb, untalented, and am so fearful that I am a loser and will never be any measure of success in my life. I need to find the strength to overcome this current obstacle, but I am having a hard time connecting to my inner strengths and living up to all that I am capable of. I know what I am facing is only something I can resolve on my own, but I really feel that a mentor to give me guidance would be amazing. I am feeling a little lost and alone, and burdened. If I fail it means a continued life of struggle....
Friday, August 1, 2008
Only You...
"Lookin' from the window above, it's like a story of love..Can you hear me? Came back only yesterday I'm moving further away, want you near me... All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you.
Sometimes when I think of her name when it's only a game and I need you...Listen to the words that you say it's getting harder to stay, when I see you...All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you.
This is going to take a long time and I wonder what's mine...can't take no more. Wonder if you'll understand it's just the touch of your hand behind a closed door..... All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you."
Unrequited love...it seems to be a constant in my life in one way or another. Recently, I feel I found someone who would have been my soul-mate in another place, another time. The reason I can't pursue this person is because we are both married to other people. People we love and care about and have bonds with....
I believe that one finds a soul-mate only once in a life time. I never thought I would find a soul- mate..SO, I married not my soul-mate but someone who is my best friend and who is a kindred spirit. This is not a BAD thing, but provides some complexity...especially now that I know there is the probability of a "soul-mate" for me. I will never be on that journey and know that bliss, which saddens me in many ways.
However, in my current relationship, there is much love there, but also much disappointment. My Spouse can't be everything I need him to be for me. I think that stems from the fact that we really aren't soul mates.
I am not saying my relationship is not good, it is...it just isn't the passionate, all consuming romance I had hoped I would find. I pray and hope what we have will be enough to last for a lifetime...thus far, it has been enough for 17 years and I hope it will continue, even though I think my heart, mind, and soul belong in another place...to another person.
I guess the connundrum for me is that for soul-mates to connect with the most depth, both have to be ready and available or the connection to happen, which will never be...not even in the form of a friendship. I wouldn't be comfortable devastating the life of someone who loves me and cares for me as deeply and with as strong of conviction as my Spouse can. So, I will hide from the knowledge that my soul-mate exists, run away from that friendship...hide from it, even. I'll go on and try to be as happy and content as possible, but I am feeling loss and a bit of sadness....
Sometimes when I think of her name when it's only a game and I need you...Listen to the words that you say it's getting harder to stay, when I see you...All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you.
This is going to take a long time and I wonder what's mine...can't take no more. Wonder if you'll understand it's just the touch of your hand behind a closed door..... All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you."
Unrequited love...it seems to be a constant in my life in one way or another. Recently, I feel I found someone who would have been my soul-mate in another place, another time. The reason I can't pursue this person is because we are both married to other people. People we love and care about and have bonds with....
I believe that one finds a soul-mate only once in a life time. I never thought I would find a soul- mate..SO, I married not my soul-mate but someone who is my best friend and who is a kindred spirit. This is not a BAD thing, but provides some complexity...especially now that I know there is the probability of a "soul-mate" for me. I will never be on that journey and know that bliss, which saddens me in many ways.
However, in my current relationship, there is much love there, but also much disappointment. My Spouse can't be everything I need him to be for me. I think that stems from the fact that we really aren't soul mates.
I am not saying my relationship is not good, it is...it just isn't the passionate, all consuming romance I had hoped I would find. I pray and hope what we have will be enough to last for a lifetime...thus far, it has been enough for 17 years and I hope it will continue, even though I think my heart, mind, and soul belong in another place...to another person.
I guess the connundrum for me is that for soul-mates to connect with the most depth, both have to be ready and available or the connection to happen, which will never be...not even in the form of a friendship. I wouldn't be comfortable devastating the life of someone who loves me and cares for me as deeply and with as strong of conviction as my Spouse can. So, I will hide from the knowledge that my soul-mate exists, run away from that friendship...hide from it, even. I'll go on and try to be as happy and content as possible, but I am feeling loss and a bit of sadness....
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