I Need A Hero...

"Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the Gods? Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need...I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life....Larger than life.

Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasy...somewhere just beyond my reach there's someone reaching back for me. Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat, it's gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet....I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life...I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night...

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above, out where the lightning meets the sea I could swear that there's someone somewhere watching me. Through the wind and the chill and the rain, and the storm and the flood I can feel his approach like a fire in my blood. I need a hero, I'm holding out for hero'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life..." I NEED A HERO by Bonnie Tyler.

My Spouse and I are going through an ebb in our relationship again. I feel often that he fails to fight for me. He fails to evolve or grow or change so that we stay more in balance and in tune with one another. I hate these times...they are times when his actions or reactions are ways to punish me for his previous marriage. I don't understand why he doesn't let a lot of the baggage go...I am NOT his ex. I've proven myself over and over again and stood by him when he felt no others would...yet, I get treated like an after thought. I feel he should be secure in the story of us because we've been together for 18 years -- twice as long as he was with his former partner.

I know my Significant Other has coping issues and that his inability to do things that would contribute to a better future for us also stems from childhood baggage, but there comes a point in life where you accept your past, move on from it, and become your own person.

I am struggling. I have changed so much over the years to please and appease him that often I have lost sight of who I am. When I feel that he is unwilling to evolve, it makes me harden my heart to an extent...why am I the one responsible for both of us to have a good life and a happy future?

Additionally, I don't like that I get blamed for many of the perceived wrongs of his life over the last 18 years by his family or his children...people who really haven't made an effort to get to know me but who often and willingly judge me. People who don't even really know him. Typically, I've let this judgment pass because I feel I would rather be considered the scourge of the earth -- knowing that sometimes the people who love you have to put you in light and upon pedestals even if it is not the entire reflection of the person or the character.

Right now I am furious over the fact that I am being manipulated...manipulated by something my loved one knows I fear the most. He refuses to concede that he forgets conversations because that would be admitting that he is drinking more than he should despite my warning that 2 beers a day is heart healthy...8 or more is addiciton. Rather than admit that he may not remember some of our discussions due to tiredness or a combination of the tiredness, soreness from the physical labor of his work, or the beer...he accuses me of losing my memory. It is a manipulative act, and I know it. I tend to write quite a bit down -- particularly dates of events. I do this because I have a family history of dementia and Alzheimer's and the last 3 years of school has posed it much harder for me to commit things to memory...so I work at keeping current. I despise that I am told I was wrong when I've written things down to verify what he has asked me to do.

I am really trying to be a better person and not let my perceived flaws of my partner bring me down or destroy the relationship, but it is getting harder for me to change and be mellow over certain traits that I am letting go that I truly need. I need a partner who is a grown up -- one who evolves and sets goals to contribute to a future that is progressive rather than stagnant. I need a partner who does not blame me for mistakes another woman made. I need a partner who is heroic enough to fight for me...for us...I need someone who doesn't turn my greatest fear into a way to suppress me. I need to be stronger.

In that finality...of being stronger..I realize that my Spouse will never be my hero, so I need to be. I am up to the task, but it is heartbreaking to realize that all I can depend upon in this world is solely me...especially when I have given my heart, mind, soul...to another.