I Will Survive...

"I will survive as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive...

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry.Now I hold my head up high and you see me, somebody new..." -- Gloria Gaynor

I've had a difficult two weeks. Facing a trial I never imagined I would face. I am glad it is over, and glad the outcome was positive. I've been reflecting a lot and wondering why, when I am faced with trials, it always seems to be things that confront my morals and values, my integrity. I also wonder why it takes me so long to progress. Progression is slow for me in every aspect of my life...from love, to career, to education. I realize I am naive -- but is that why I progress in what often feels to me like slow motion?

The only thing that I can surmise is that my life in general is precipitated by a fine line between between sanity and craziness. I have thus far always chosen sanity. However, I fight a constant and internal battle with this as I know of family medical conditions that could tip the scale and alter my life forever. The battle will be continual, it will be long, and it will be hard...how do I stay out of the darkness? Continue to make choices that always have a positive outcome?

Considering I've never had true guidance from a parental figure due to their mental state and I have to figure so many things out for myself I think I have done well in choosing things that are positive, but I still make mistakes -- the kind that are doozies and life altering...I guess I make the mistakes to understand that to be the person I want to be I am going to have to do so much more, and the work required is solely up to me to do, and to do it independently...I am thankful that I have friends who help me think critically, that challenge my perspective, that think I am amazing and precious enough to want to give me guidance. It gives me hope that my life path isn't for naught.

I often wonder what my purpose is in life. I always thought it was to become educated and give back to my community. I always thought that I would make a difference in this world in some phenomenal way, but I really don't have talents that stand out and that allow the desire to be long reaching. One of my friends said that sometimes we are here "not to save the world but one important person within it" So, in my pondering today I think mainly, I survive, because my Spouse loves me unconditionally...just for being me, warts and all. In some way I have affected his life in a way that makes him happy and fulfilled. I was feeling low and not worthy of being loved and I said to him: "I can understand why you loved me as a 20-year old...I was ambitious, had goals I really believed in, was idealistic, truly believed that if I worked really, really hard I would have and do all that I desired, but why do you love me now as I near 40?" He said: "the idealistic youth was fascinating; but to watch you grow and accept life in a more real consequence has been bliss."

I don't know that I truly understand his statement. And, the goals that I have are pretty much the same as they have always been...the reality with that is that I probably won't have the means or the energy to continue with many of them. In some ways this is depressing and I feel I have failed at my life's intent; on the other hand, I feel some relief that I can be happy with the life I have created even thought it is not the life I envisioned.I am a survivor...in many ways making lemonade out of the lemons that have been thrown at me.