When the DOG BITES, When the BEE STINGS...

SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: www.michebag.com (great interchangeable purse), www.pinupgirlclothing.com (great vintage pieces and shoes), I love the Bitten line by SJP. Hair care: Nioxin shampoo and conditioner; Love Brillantine as a product for defination and separation. It is a great pomade.I also like Vavoom as a shine sheen. General beauty product: I love Mentholatum for lips, under the nose for traveling, and to help chest congetsion when one has a cold.Lotion: I really like St. Ive's Collagen-Elastin lotion. Great for dry skin when mixed with Aloe Vera. Lip care: I love COBigelow's Mentha Lip Tint...freshens breath and gives a great shine. I also love Sally Hansen's Cinnaberry lipstick. Can't live without Natural Ice's chapstick in mint or cherry flavors. Tea's: Ginger and Licorice tea's from Traditional Medicines. I also like Bigelow's Plantation Mint; and, Banglange Keli tea. Supplements: I like Chia seed (has more fiber and double the Omega-3's as does flax seed). I use echinachea to ward off a cold. Nails: I like O.P.I.'s Black pearl and I like Sally Hansen's clear nail polish. Facial care: I love Elysee's A-fluid. It is the one product I can't live without. I also love their Queen of Beauty moisturizer. Treats: I enjoy baked hot chocolate (see my comments for recipe), and love Doritio's and salsa. Another fav is Spinach dip (the recipe from the Knorr's onion soup) and crackers. I also love the Cajun dip from www.delectableadicitons.com. Exercise: My favorite is yoga, walking, and hip-hop abs.

Music and Lyrics

I am giddy with gladness in my heart for my life. I have been in such a dark place and somehow, I have pulled myself back. I hope the light and joy I feel lasts. I think Iam a person who needs constant change and adventure...I got a bit of this, perhaps more than I can handle with the new position I acquired (working as a Tech in the ICU and on Med-Surg. in my community). I love to learn, and am excited about the knowlege I will obtain, but I know it will be an uphill road to get the proficiency and professionalism I need.

I am thinking of planning a small ceremony to re-state my wedding vows, because despite all the struggles I have had about and regarding my husband over the last two years, I still love him. He is my best friend and makes me laugh. This Summer will be our 15 year anniversary....I just want something very intimate with me and Ron and maybe a few close friends and family. It all depends on how my life goes the next 2 months.

When I reflect on my emotions, I surmise that I have bi-polar disorder. I have periods of lows so dark that all I want to do is die and then highs that make me giddy. I am trying to get this under control by implementing the right diet, exercise, and sleep regimen because I don't want to take pills for the problem for the rest of my life. I notice that the depression, self-loathing, and low confidence are more abundant when I am sleeping in the day and working graveyard shifts. I feel that part of the happiness is because I've been in training and up and awake during the day (even though I thought it would kill me because my natural tendency is to be a night owl, this may be why I am so happy....). Having serious things to consider, but the music and lyrics in my heart, on my mind, and touching my soul are youthful, exuberant, uplifting beats...

My Favorite Poem....

	The Hollow Men Eliot, Thomas Stearns (1888-1965) MISTAH KURTZ -- HE DEAD. A penny for the Old Guy I We are the hollow men We are the stuffed men Leaning together Headpiece filled with straw. Alas! Our dried voices, when We whisper together Are quiet and meaningless As wind in dry grass Or rats' feet over broken glass In our dry cellar Shape without form, shade without colour, Paralysed force, gesture without motion; Those who have crossed With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom Remember us--if at all--not as lost Violent souls, but only As the hollow men The stuffed men. II Eyes I dare not meet in dreams In death's dream kingdom These do not appear: There, the eyes are Sunlight on a broken column There, is a tree swinging And voices are In the wind's singing More distant and more solemn Than a fading star. Let me be no nearer In death's dream kingdom Let me also wear Such deliberate disguises Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves In a field Behaving as the wind behaves No nearer-- Not that final meeting In the twilight kingdom III This is the dead land This is cactus land Here the stone images Are raised, here they receive The supplication of a dead man's hand Under the twinkle of a fading star. Is it like this In death's other kingdom Waking alone At the hour when we are Trembling with tenderness Lips that would kiss Form prayers to broken stone. IV The eyes are not here There are no eyes here In this valley of dying stars In this hollow valley This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms In this last of meeting places We grope together and avoid speech Gathered on this beach of the tumid river Sightless, unless The eyes reappear As the perpetual star Multifoliate rose Of death's twilight kingdom The hope only Of empty men. V Here we go round the prickly pear Prickly pear prickly pear Here we go round the prickly pear At five o'clock in the morning. Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the shadow For Thine is the Kingdom Between the conception And the creation Between the emotion And the response Falls the Shadow Life is very long Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency and the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom For thine is Life is For Thine is the This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.

Reversing Negative Energy

"1) Give something away to someone you don't like. Their indebtedness to you cures many angry woes.
2) Practice random acts of kindness, just to throw off your enemies.
3) Do NOT respond to negative energy with negative energy, because neg + neg = you both lose. Remember that people who are negative to you, are only responding to how they feel inside, and you don't have to accept their negative energy. Respond with love. Try it." Excerpt from an article found at www.top7business.com

Ichiban?

Ichiban? A lovely Japanese word that expains a depth I will never know. I have come to the conclusion that I will never be number one at anything. I have no talent. I am perhaps slightly below average in every aspect of my life from looks to intelligence to ability. I feel am doomed to live an unfillfilled, unhappy life. My situation of inability leads me to hope that I will not be a force in this life much longer. I always believed (until recently) that I could make a difference, maybe not world-wide, but at least in my community. Working two jobs makes me feel as if I have no soul. I am exhausted to the point of numbness. Every attempt I have made to make a life better for myself and my loved ones has failed. I have a desire to change but I am stuck in a connundrum.....I just don't know how to. The methods and mechanisms I've tried have not worked. Instead, I am left with two degrees that don't help me build a stable financial future and a mountain of debt I can' afford. I just want it all to end. I seem incapable of being happy (and this is not mere depression talking....it is me facing reality) -- somewhere in the recesses of my being I don't make choices that are amenable to any type of success. My life is one of gross mediocrity. I have read a lot of articles on -line and in terms of progression, many feel that being average is okay. As an adult, mediocrity is not welcome in any realm. It seems that when one is below average at this stage of life one becomes an outcast. In terms of who I am, I would be okay with medocrity if I were happy. My life is just a struggle overall, and I am not having fun. My reality definitely bites....

Every Now and then I fall apart...turn around, bright eyes...

How strange that art so often depicts life; and how blessed we are that others experience things in ways that can be universally expressed via mediums such as art, music, poetry....I am falling apart. I have no one to blame but myself. The motivation to meet my dreams is lacking because I am filled with self loathing.

Often I wonder what I have been given that sets me apart to succeed in life and I can't find THE ONE THING that would redeem me. I think this process of review is bringing me to a low point. Right now I have so much self loathing. I am sabotaging myself. I need to find out why I am doing this and revert the process so that I may have the life I desire.

I am angry that I have not behaved in a manner conducive to my goals and at a loss as to find an explaniation. If only....

If only I understood the inner realms of psyche and heart right now I could resolve everything.

I think this realm of my inner education is supposed to be rough, even difficult; and, I am trying to be in the moment and appreciative of the process, but it is hard because I feel encompassed by darkness and oppression. I am a slave to my own self doubt.

Contemplations

I am attempting a blog in an effort to reflect and provoke positive change within myself. I am feeling digression rather than progression. If I can journalize my feelings, I feel I will develop better responses to them; and therefore, obtain my goals by releasing any negatives that may block my ability to be receptive towards their end.

I have been trying to hit a goal educationally for almost 10 years. Who knew that the degree I desire the most would be the hardest to obtain? The B.A. and M.B.A. came relatively easy, but the B.S.N. has been a road of constant strife, affliction, and struggle.

I have been frustrated as I have not felt support from my partner. Instead, I have felt sabotaged. In my rage, and negative thought processes, I have made my struggles much worse. Today, in a cathartic moment I realized that I need to build my partner up and in by doing that my negative thoughts will be eliminated and my situation is likely to improve. Now I must get out of the behavorial patterns that are making my life "not fun."

"Not fun," being an oxymoron of sorts because I have a wonderful home, great job, loyal friends, loving family, and am able to pursue my goals. If I am doing mostly what I want, why am I not having fun? Why am I hating my life right now?

I reflect that sleep deprivation clouds my judgement, as does a financial situation that scares me. I realize that some things must change and I just have to find the precise moment where serendipity meets all planning and determination that I've compiled within. I feel components of my desires have the ability to be actualized...I expect that the more positive I am the easier the change and depths of change that are currently eluding me will make thier prescence known. Until then, I need to revel in the miracles I see daily.