Only You...

"Lookin' from the window above, it's like a story of love..Can you hear me? Came back only yesterday I'm moving further away, want you near me... All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you.

Sometimes when I think of her name when it's only a game and I need you...Listen to the words that you say it's getting harder to stay, when I see you...All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you.

This is going to take a long time and I wonder what's mine...can't take no more. Wonder if you'll understand it's just the touch of your hand behind a closed door..... All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day...and all I ever knew...Only you."

Unrequited love...it seems to be a constant in my life in one way or another. Recently, I feel I found someone who would have been my soul-mate in another place, another time. The reason I can't pursue this person is because we are both married to other people. People we love and care about and have bonds with....

I believe that one finds a soul-mate only once in a life time. I never thought I would find a soul- mate..SO, I married not my soul-mate but someone who is my best friend and who is a kindred spirit. This is not a BAD thing, but provides some complexity...especially now that I know there is the probability of a "soul-mate" for me. I will never be on that journey and know that bliss, which saddens me in many ways.

However, in my current relationship, there is much love there, but also much disappointment. My Spouse can't be everything I need him to be for me. I think that stems from the fact that we really aren't soul mates.

I am not saying my relationship is not good, it is...it just isn't the passionate, all consuming romance I had hoped I would find. I pray and hope what we have will be enough to last for a lifetime...thus far, it has been enough for 17 years and I hope it will continue, even though I think my heart, mind, and soul belong in another place...to another person.

I guess the connundrum for me is that for soul-mates to connect with the most depth, both have to be ready and available or the connection to happen, which will never be...not even in the form of a friendship. I wouldn't be comfortable devastating the life of someone who loves me and cares for me as deeply and with as strong of conviction as my Spouse can. So, I will hide from the knowledge that my soul-mate exists, run away from that friendship...hide from it, even. I'll go on and try to be as happy and content as possible, but I am feeling loss and a bit of sadness....

Love Shines

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." - Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

"Love is the beauty of the soul." --St. Augustine

Losing My Religion...

I always thought if I worked really hard that I could have and do everything I desired. In my naievety I TRULY believed that I could hit every goal I set for myself and have a life of continuous fun and adventure. I thought that I would be financially stable, for if I was doing what I loved I felt the money would come... Unfortunately, my life has been one of struggle, trial, and strife. I DO have moments of fun, but mostly trial and struggle. My life is although a good, quiet little life, is not what I envisioned.

Up until recently it didn't concern me that I hadn't done many things I desire, because I thought if I kept working towards my goals that everything would come together, however, I had an epiphany that that is NOT going to happen -- mostly because I don't have the financial means to make it so.

This epiphany has been really hard. It means I am going to have to prioritize things and not get to have the education I desire, the ability to travel to the places I dream of, the clothes, furniture, activity that I always thought would materialize after working HARD for them.

So now, I am looking for special things inside of me... things that will help me keep wanting to live this mediocre existence that I am encompassed in. Instead of looking forward to my days ahead, I dread them...

Right now I am feeling that everything I do and have done is pointless. I am sinking and feel I can't keep my head above water..."I don't know if I can do it..."

The Stuff that Dreams are Made of....

I was challenged by my good friend Aimee to post the 100 things I must do before I die. Some are outlandish and I probably won't do because of time and/or financial constraints...but WHAT IF? Here are my first 25:

1. Learn how to belly dance.
2. Learn how to fence.
3. Take at least 8 flying lessons.
4. Hang glide.
5. Para-sail.
6. Learn how to rock climb.
7. Get a tatoo on my right pelvic bone of an oriental fan and rose.
8. Buy an Arabian horse.
9. Go ice fishing.
10. Go camping in the winter.
11. Become more than an amateur astronomer.
12. Learn to sail.
13. Buy a sail boat.
14. Open a tea shop.
15. Get my BSN.
16. Get my Juris Doctor.
17. Get my Perfusionist certification.
18. Get my Master's of Information and Library Science.
18. Get my Medical-Legal Consultants License.
19. Become a certified sky-diver.
20. Read all the books in my personal library again and then donate them.
21. Go on my secret dream vacation (I'm not telling or I will jinx it).
22. Go on a cruise.
23. Swim with dolphins.
24. Go whale watching.
25. Go on an outing with real ghost hunter

When the DOG BITES, When the BEE STINGS...

SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: www.michebag.com (great interchangeable purse), www.pinupgirlclothing.com (great vintage pieces and shoes), I love the Bitten line by SJP. Hair care: Nioxin shampoo and conditioner; Love Brillantine as a product for defination and separation. It is a great pomade.I also like Vavoom as a shine sheen. General beauty product: I love Mentholatum for lips, under the nose for traveling, and to help chest congetsion when one has a cold.Lotion: I really like St. Ive's Collagen-Elastin lotion. Great for dry skin when mixed with Aloe Vera. Lip care: I love COBigelow's Mentha Lip Tint...freshens breath and gives a great shine. I also love Sally Hansen's Cinnaberry lipstick. Can't live without Natural Ice's chapstick in mint or cherry flavors. Tea's: Ginger and Licorice tea's from Traditional Medicines. I also like Bigelow's Plantation Mint; and, Banglange Keli tea. Supplements: I like Chia seed (has more fiber and double the Omega-3's as does flax seed). I use echinachea to ward off a cold. Nails: I like O.P.I.'s Black pearl and I like Sally Hansen's clear nail polish. Facial care: I love Elysee's A-fluid. It is the one product I can't live without. I also love their Queen of Beauty moisturizer. Treats: I enjoy baked hot chocolate (see my comments for recipe), and love Doritio's and salsa. Another fav is Spinach dip (the recipe from the Knorr's onion soup) and crackers. I also love the Cajun dip from www.delectableadicitons.com. Exercise: My favorite is yoga, walking, and hip-hop abs.

Music and Lyrics

I am giddy with gladness in my heart for my life. I have been in such a dark place and somehow, I have pulled myself back. I hope the light and joy I feel lasts. I think Iam a person who needs constant change and adventure...I got a bit of this, perhaps more than I can handle with the new position I acquired (working as a Tech in the ICU and on Med-Surg. in my community). I love to learn, and am excited about the knowlege I will obtain, but I know it will be an uphill road to get the proficiency and professionalism I need.

I am thinking of planning a small ceremony to re-state my wedding vows, because despite all the struggles I have had about and regarding my husband over the last two years, I still love him. He is my best friend and makes me laugh. This Summer will be our 15 year anniversary....I just want something very intimate with me and Ron and maybe a few close friends and family. It all depends on how my life goes the next 2 months.

When I reflect on my emotions, I surmise that I have bi-polar disorder. I have periods of lows so dark that all I want to do is die and then highs that make me giddy. I am trying to get this under control by implementing the right diet, exercise, and sleep regimen because I don't want to take pills for the problem for the rest of my life. I notice that the depression, self-loathing, and low confidence are more abundant when I am sleeping in the day and working graveyard shifts. I feel that part of the happiness is because I've been in training and up and awake during the day (even though I thought it would kill me because my natural tendency is to be a night owl, this may be why I am so happy....). Having serious things to consider, but the music and lyrics in my heart, on my mind, and touching my soul are youthful, exuberant, uplifting beats...

My Favorite Poem....

	The Hollow Men Eliot, Thomas Stearns (1888-1965) MISTAH KURTZ -- HE DEAD. A penny for the Old Guy I We are the hollow men We are the stuffed men Leaning together Headpiece filled with straw. Alas! Our dried voices, when We whisper together Are quiet and meaningless As wind in dry grass Or rats' feet over broken glass In our dry cellar Shape without form, shade without colour, Paralysed force, gesture without motion; Those who have crossed With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom Remember us--if at all--not as lost Violent souls, but only As the hollow men The stuffed men. II Eyes I dare not meet in dreams In death's dream kingdom These do not appear: There, the eyes are Sunlight on a broken column There, is a tree swinging And voices are In the wind's singing More distant and more solemn Than a fading star. Let me be no nearer In death's dream kingdom Let me also wear Such deliberate disguises Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves In a field Behaving as the wind behaves No nearer-- Not that final meeting In the twilight kingdom III This is the dead land This is cactus land Here the stone images Are raised, here they receive The supplication of a dead man's hand Under the twinkle of a fading star. Is it like this In death's other kingdom Waking alone At the hour when we are Trembling with tenderness Lips that would kiss Form prayers to broken stone. IV The eyes are not here There are no eyes here In this valley of dying stars In this hollow valley This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms In this last of meeting places We grope together and avoid speech Gathered on this beach of the tumid river Sightless, unless The eyes reappear As the perpetual star Multifoliate rose Of death's twilight kingdom The hope only Of empty men. V Here we go round the prickly pear Prickly pear prickly pear Here we go round the prickly pear At five o'clock in the morning. Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the shadow For Thine is the Kingdom Between the conception And the creation Between the emotion And the response Falls the Shadow Life is very long Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency and the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom For thine is Life is For Thine is the This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.