Ichiban?

Ichiban? A lovely Japanese word that expains a depth I will never know. I have come to the conclusion that I will never be number one at anything. I have no talent. I am perhaps slightly below average in every aspect of my life from looks to intelligence to ability. I feel am doomed to live an unfillfilled, unhappy life. My situation of inability leads me to hope that I will not be a force in this life much longer. I always believed (until recently) that I could make a difference, maybe not world-wide, but at least in my community. Working two jobs makes me feel as if I have no soul. I am exhausted to the point of numbness. Every attempt I have made to make a life better for myself and my loved ones has failed. I have a desire to change but I am stuck in a connundrum.....I just don't know how to. The methods and mechanisms I've tried have not worked. Instead, I am left with two degrees that don't help me build a stable financial future and a mountain of debt I can' afford. I just want it all to end. I seem incapable of being happy (and this is not mere depression talking....it is me facing reality) -- somewhere in the recesses of my being I don't make choices that are amenable to any type of success. My life is one of gross mediocrity. I have read a lot of articles on -line and in terms of progression, many feel that being average is okay. As an adult, mediocrity is not welcome in any realm. It seems that when one is below average at this stage of life one becomes an outcast. In terms of who I am, I would be okay with medocrity if I were happy. My life is just a struggle overall, and I am not having fun. My reality definitely bites....