Contemplations

I am attempting a blog in an effort to reflect and provoke positive change within myself. I am feeling digression rather than progression. If I can journalize my feelings, I feel I will develop better responses to them; and therefore, obtain my goals by releasing any negatives that may block my ability to be receptive towards their end.

I have been trying to hit a goal educationally for almost 10 years. Who knew that the degree I desire the most would be the hardest to obtain? The B.A. and M.B.A. came relatively easy, but the B.S.N. has been a road of constant strife, affliction, and struggle.

I have been frustrated as I have not felt support from my partner. Instead, I have felt sabotaged. In my rage, and negative thought processes, I have made my struggles much worse. Today, in a cathartic moment I realized that I need to build my partner up and in by doing that my negative thoughts will be eliminated and my situation is likely to improve. Now I must get out of the behavorial patterns that are making my life "not fun."

"Not fun," being an oxymoron of sorts because I have a wonderful home, great job, loyal friends, loving family, and am able to pursue my goals. If I am doing mostly what I want, why am I not having fun? Why am I hating my life right now?

I reflect that sleep deprivation clouds my judgement, as does a financial situation that scares me. I realize that some things must change and I just have to find the precise moment where serendipity meets all planning and determination that I've compiled within. I feel components of my desires have the ability to be actualized...I expect that the more positive I am the easier the change and depths of change that are currently eluding me will make thier prescence known. Until then, I need to revel in the miracles I see daily.