Reversing Negative Energy

"1) Give something away to someone you don't like. Their indebtedness to you cures many angry woes.
2) Practice random acts of kindness, just to throw off your enemies.
3) Do NOT respond to negative energy with negative energy, because neg + neg = you both lose. Remember that people who are negative to you, are only responding to how they feel inside, and you don't have to accept their negative energy. Respond with love. Try it." Excerpt from an article found at www.top7business.com

Ichiban?

Ichiban? A lovely Japanese word that expains a depth I will never know. I have come to the conclusion that I will never be number one at anything. I have no talent. I am perhaps slightly below average in every aspect of my life from looks to intelligence to ability. I feel am doomed to live an unfillfilled, unhappy life. My situation of inability leads me to hope that I will not be a force in this life much longer. I always believed (until recently) that I could make a difference, maybe not world-wide, but at least in my community. Working two jobs makes me feel as if I have no soul. I am exhausted to the point of numbness. Every attempt I have made to make a life better for myself and my loved ones has failed. I have a desire to change but I am stuck in a connundrum.....I just don't know how to. The methods and mechanisms I've tried have not worked. Instead, I am left with two degrees that don't help me build a stable financial future and a mountain of debt I can' afford. I just want it all to end. I seem incapable of being happy (and this is not mere depression talking....it is me facing reality) -- somewhere in the recesses of my being I don't make choices that are amenable to any type of success. My life is one of gross mediocrity. I have read a lot of articles on -line and in terms of progression, many feel that being average is okay. As an adult, mediocrity is not welcome in any realm. It seems that when one is below average at this stage of life one becomes an outcast. In terms of who I am, I would be okay with medocrity if I were happy. My life is just a struggle overall, and I am not having fun. My reality definitely bites....

Every Now and then I fall apart...turn around, bright eyes...

How strange that art so often depicts life; and how blessed we are that others experience things in ways that can be universally expressed via mediums such as art, music, poetry....I am falling apart. I have no one to blame but myself. The motivation to meet my dreams is lacking because I am filled with self loathing.

Often I wonder what I have been given that sets me apart to succeed in life and I can't find THE ONE THING that would redeem me. I think this process of review is bringing me to a low point. Right now I have so much self loathing. I am sabotaging myself. I need to find out why I am doing this and revert the process so that I may have the life I desire.

I am angry that I have not behaved in a manner conducive to my goals and at a loss as to find an explaniation. If only....

If only I understood the inner realms of psyche and heart right now I could resolve everything.

I think this realm of my inner education is supposed to be rough, even difficult; and, I am trying to be in the moment and appreciative of the process, but it is hard because I feel encompassed by darkness and oppression. I am a slave to my own self doubt.

Contemplations

I am attempting a blog in an effort to reflect and provoke positive change within myself. I am feeling digression rather than progression. If I can journalize my feelings, I feel I will develop better responses to them; and therefore, obtain my goals by releasing any negatives that may block my ability to be receptive towards their end.

I have been trying to hit a goal educationally for almost 10 years. Who knew that the degree I desire the most would be the hardest to obtain? The B.A. and M.B.A. came relatively easy, but the B.S.N. has been a road of constant strife, affliction, and struggle.

I have been frustrated as I have not felt support from my partner. Instead, I have felt sabotaged. In my rage, and negative thought processes, I have made my struggles much worse. Today, in a cathartic moment I realized that I need to build my partner up and in by doing that my negative thoughts will be eliminated and my situation is likely to improve. Now I must get out of the behavorial patterns that are making my life "not fun."

"Not fun," being an oxymoron of sorts because I have a wonderful home, great job, loyal friends, loving family, and am able to pursue my goals. If I am doing mostly what I want, why am I not having fun? Why am I hating my life right now?

I reflect that sleep deprivation clouds my judgement, as does a financial situation that scares me. I realize that some things must change and I just have to find the precise moment where serendipity meets all planning and determination that I've compiled within. I feel components of my desires have the ability to be actualized...I expect that the more positive I am the easier the change and depths of change that are currently eluding me will make thier prescence known. Until then, I need to revel in the miracles I see daily.