Losing My Religion...

I always thought if I worked really hard that I could have and do everything I desired. In my naievety I TRULY believed that I could hit every goal I set for myself and have a life of continuous fun and adventure. I thought that I would be financially stable, for if I was doing what I loved I felt the money would come... Unfortunately, my life has been one of struggle, trial, and strife. I DO have moments of fun, but mostly trial and struggle. My life is although a good, quiet little life, is not what I envisioned.

Up until recently it didn't concern me that I hadn't done many things I desire, because I thought if I kept working towards my goals that everything would come together, however, I had an epiphany that that is NOT going to happen -- mostly because I don't have the financial means to make it so.

This epiphany has been really hard. It means I am going to have to prioritize things and not get to have the education I desire, the ability to travel to the places I dream of, the clothes, furniture, activity that I always thought would materialize after working HARD for them.

So now, I am looking for special things inside of me... things that will help me keep wanting to live this mediocre existence that I am encompassed in. Instead of looking forward to my days ahead, I dread them...

Right now I am feeling that everything I do and have done is pointless. I am sinking and feel I can't keep my head above water..."I don't know if I can do it..."